Finn Tangles with the Xenos!
by Dylan and Toback
Summary: You receive a strange transmission from an unknown source. The sender's claims are insane, his writing is mediocre, his attitude is smug. Xenomorphs? Facehuggers? A sixteen-year-old boy named Finn? (Seriously, who names their kid "Finn"?) He even ridiculously suggests he can view the boy's "prophetic" dreams. Do you read on, or disregard the sender as the cynical idiot he is?
1. Transmission 1: Prologue

**Writer's note: Reviews are appreciated! Thanks for reading!**

Transmission Received

Subject: Prologue to my masterpiece

Sender: -

Location: -

Finn sprinted faster than he ever had before when that dream trickled out of his pineal gland. Faster than he had on any previous adventure, though, he likely didn't consider it much of an adventure. Sure, it might seem fun to view such a horrific spectacle play out on a television screen, in the safety of one's own living room, but experiencing it firsthand kills the mood pretty quickly. It wasn't the first of his prophetic dreams. Certainly, the most dreadful, however. And that's what makes this particular "adventure" of Finn's so fascinating.

Right now, you are probably wondering how I know so much about this sixteen-year-old boy and his innermost thoughts, or why I took interest in the first place. No, I'm not an old pervert, but I am guilty of taking pleasure out of seeing abnormal events play out. In a sense, I'm watching from the safety of my own living room. Metaphorically speaking.

And that sums me right up. If you don't fancy that explanation, then your curiosity is getting the best of you. Try to curb it every now and then. You don't want the sh*t to hit you before the fan, do you? Then I'd have to watch your life happening too, which would suck, because fleshing out the juicy scenes from the boring ones is a bitch when the movie is seventy-five years long. I'm fifty-four now, so I'm already in my final act, if you catch my drift.

Anyway, back to Finn. So, he's sprinting relentlessly, obviously hyperventilating from fear and exhaustion. I'm surprised he even made it as far as he did, honestly. If it hadn't been for the adrenaline coursing through his veins, I'm certain his legs would have given out after about two miles. But, no, the boy was determined to survive (which is a great hero quality, might I add). Instead, after about 5 miles of running through the dew covered grass, totally isolated and terrified, one of the things chasing after him wrapped it's long, scaly tail around his scrawny leg – snatched him right up!

Well, to my disappointment, no hysterical screaming ensued. Turns out Finn tripped from the grip of the creature's tail and landed face flat. Knocked him out cold, and caused a concussion. Though, the realism did always make Finn's dreams more intriguing than most. He would become unconscious during one segment of a dream and wake up in another. Cool stuff.

Finn regained consciousness a few hours later, cocooned to an icy, steel wall. His face was bathed in slime and he was clearly disoriented. He withered around a lot for a few minutes in attempted escape, but once the flaps on one of the countless eggs lining the floor began to extend, with the grace of a swan and the repulsiveness of a yeast infection, Finn froze in complete, paralyzing fear. Some sort of demon spawn, which had been incubating inside the egg, wriggled out eerily and Finn's efforts quadrupled. The poor boy shook like a damn epileptic. No use, though. The giant, pale scorpion pounced and shoved its alienhood down Finn's innocent, young throat (okay, maybe _I am_ an old pervert). Let me tell you, that thing wrapped its tail around Finn's neck quicker than the son of a bitch who tripped him and brought him there in the first place. He couldn't catch a break. But, what great cinema! Luckily, Finn woke up from his dream the moment he was orally violated.

Alright, now you're probably very, _very_ confused. Sorry, I just get lost in the excitement of replaying my favorite scenes. It's such a tense, nerve-wracking beginning to a long, twisted story, and I'm already leaving out details. It was selfish of me to ruin the prologue for you, but I promise that won't happen moving forward.

First thing's first, what were those creatures chasing Finn in his dream? They are called xenomorphs, also referred to as "bugs", "serpents", or simply "aliens" (although, this nickname makes me cringe a bit when I hear it, since there are countless other alien species out there. My own species, human, may be considered alien by many of you). The origin planet of the Xenomorph species is LV426: Acheron. It's a rock planet with a surface composition of yadda, yadda and blah, blah, blah. Geology is not my strong suit. Concisely put, it's a sh*thole where good weather is nonexistent and the color of everything is various shades of black. Fun for the whole family! The reason I say that is because, at one point, the planet was actually inhabited by over 70 families. Guess how well that went? If you said not well at all, you're f*cking spot on. They say if you go there late at night (which is any time of day, really), you can still hear the sounds of children screaming in terror while their vital organs are ripped from their torsos.

I've attached an image of a xenomorph to this transmission to avoid the tiring effort of trying to describe one of these beastly murder enthusiasts. Their appearance is too disturbing for words, but provides a better understanding for why Finn was so petrified. I apologize if you are already familiar with these life forms, but this transmission is going out to billions of receivers in millions of different, distant locations, and the universe doesn't revolve around you, you selfish twit. (To everyone else, wherever and whenever you are, you may wish to make a visit to the lavatory before viewing the attachments below. You might soil yourself.)

As for those little spiny, slimy, ghoulish, grimy, gory scorpion things crawling out of the eggs, well… I don't want to elaborate too much on their purpose just yet. It would absolutely spoil the entire story. Most call them "facehuggers" (doesn't leave much to the imagination, does it?). Picture also attached.

I think I'll end it here. I only decided to send this transmission out because I'm bored and running out of events that pique my interest. If you like my story (or retelling, more precisely) so far and want to know what happens to Finn, then I'll write up more and send it out soon enough. Don't bother trying to contact me, though. It's literally impossible (yes, I know what "literally" means). If you are all dying to read more, I'll know. It's about time I've shared the fruits of my labor with others.

P.S. If you're reading this, Eileen Kendrick from Earth (the dimension CM-645 Earth), f*ck you! (My apologies to the all the other Eileen Kendricks receiving this transmission.)

This transmission contains two attachments. Click to view.

Xenomorph:

./_cb20120526162045/classified/images/7/77/xeno_

Facehugger:

./_cb20120526162045/classified/images/7/76/facehgr_

End transmission


	2. Transmission 2: An Old Crush

Transmission Received

Subject: Sending out more because I'm bored again

Sender: -

Location: -

[Disclaimer: Sorry if you some of you do not understand the references I make. I base them on my own experiences as a human, but I know there will be other intelligent species reading this as well. Do your best to understand them based on the context.]

Finn jolted awake, yelling out: "Jake! Jake! It's happening!" This was futile since his best friend was in the tree house living room fondling the cables of a controller connected to an artificially intelligent, all-in-one, Japanese game system named Beemo, and couldn't hear a damn thing from their shared bedroom. Fondling was always a difficult task for Jake because he lacks opposable thumbs, and the digital dexterity to properly untangle electrical cords thereof. Though, he made up for his lack of opposable thumbs with his linguistic capability and elasticity. Jake could speak English, and contort any part of his body into whatever shape he wished. (Why he never contorted his hand in such a way that it included an opposable thumb, I will never know.) Long story short, Finn lived with a talking, elastic dog and a sentient rectangle in a tree house. I kid you not. Out of context, this would sound like the pitch for a popular cartoon series, but sometimes reality really is stranger than fiction. I've been witnessing the absurdity for a while now. And you can take my word for it, because I only lie when there is money (or non-monetary desirables) involved.

Jake's fondling procedures were cut short by Finn slamming the door open, collapsing at the dog's feet, and sweating like Jabba the Hutt. The dog was the first one to inform Finn of the credibility of prophetic dreams. It worried him so much, in fact, that Jake spent a whole day trying to ensure Finn's safety from a banana man and a rocket ship ("extraterrestrial transportation vessel" for you vocabulary Nazis). Once again, things are very strange on Finn's home world, but who are any of you to judge? I know for a fact some of you are from worlds where people eat with their rectums and crap out their mouths. No offense, Shropnorpiites.

Normally, I would get in trouble with my supervisors for sharing any piece of information from the database's archives with you, but I've been around long enough that I don't have them all breathing down my neck. I think they may have even forgotten about me. However, I can only show you short video clips in a transmission. Security measures are taken to make sure all archived information is hidden from unauthorized personnel, so any file too large will show up in their servicer monitoring system if I'm not careful. As you'll see in the clip below, Jake was jolted now too.

 **Archive 1324121234BGh — Section AS135155 — Video 2312 [PLAY]**

JAKE: "Woah, dude! You're buggin' out! What happened?"

FINN: "I had another premonition dream! There were these giant bugs that sounded like snakes chasing after me, and they brought me to this weird cave! And then I was trying to get off the wall but this crab guy started hugging my face and I couldn't breathe and then… wait, I think the there were eggs or something and they were slimy and gross and – "

JAKE: "Woah, woah, woah. Slow down for a second, Finn. Did you see the cosmic owl?"

 **Archive 1324121234BGh — Section AS135155 — Video 2312 [PAUSE]**

In Finn's world, previously known as Earth (my home planet before it was decimated and reborn), now known as the Land of Ooo, the cosmic owl is a creature symbolizing a warning of future happenings. Its origin is unknown to most, but the owl appears outside of prophetic dreams as well (albeit rarely). Not only does this flying omen speak, you can hear a bit of country twang in its accent. Go figure. The wisest among the wisest of all winged creatures is a redneck. If he ever appears in my dreams, I hope a bottle of moonshine and several voluptuous belles are involved.

 **Archive 1324121234BGh — Section AS135155 — Video 2312 [RESUME]**

FINN: "No, no… at least I don't think so… but you have to believe me, this wasn't a normal dream!"

JAKE: "I do, dude, but you don't think you might be freaking out a little? I mean, no cosmic owl, no problemo."

 **Archive 1324121234BGh — Section AS135155 — Video 2312 [PAUSE]**

Notice how Finn's face was fuming red with frustration over Jake's response. I don't blame him. Because while the exception may not be the rule, that doesn't mean it should be immediately disregarded, either. The majority of prophetic dreams I view don't cameo a talking owl, and if you asked the dreamer afterward if they had seen a talking owl, they'd look at you like you are, well, a talking owl… At this point, Finn points his finger and begins to angrily berate Jake.

 **Archive 1324121234BGh — Section AS135155 — Video 2312 [RESUME]**

FINN: "So, you're _saying_ you believe me, but you _don't_ believe me! What the heck, dude? I wouldn't lie about this being a premonition dream! No, I didn't see the glob-dang cosmic owl, and maybe nothing's gonna happen, but I just know in my gut the dream was warning me about some bad mojo! We gotta be prepared for it, mang! Would you rather be _safe_ or _sorry_?"

 **Archive 1324121234BGh — Section AS135155 — Video 2312 [PAUSE]**

I don't know if you saw the little guy, since he was kind of chillin' in the corner, but Beemo had a pretty confused expression on his face while watching the back-and-forth between his buddies. I guess he didn't want to have any part in the discussion, because he sauntered off shaking his head like the voice of reason after a long day on the job, dragging Jake's controller along with him. Jake didn't raise his voice to Finn, though. He must have realized something was actually wrong. Either that, or he assumed Finn was going crazy and decided to play along so Finn wouldn't slaughter him first when his condition worsened.

 **Archive 1324121234BGh — Section AS135155 — Video 2312 [RESUME]**

JAKE: (Sighs)"I'd rather be safe. Can you start from the beginning and go slower this time, so I can at least get an idea of what you're freaking out about?"

 **Archive 1324121234BGh — Section AS135155 — Video 2312 [STOP]**

Finn proceeded to explain his dream to Jake in excruciatingly lengthy detail, but since I already regaled you with the details of it my last transmission, there's no need to show that clip to you. (Not to mention it goes on for a while, and would definitely raise some suspicion among my supervisors, something I'm trying to avoid). Neither of them knew what xenomorphs or facehuggers were, or how they were related, so by the time Finn was finished, Jake looked fairly creeped out too. But he was obviously skeptical, so I imagine Jake's fear had more of an "oh wow, that's a really scary dream" vibe to it, than a "HOLY FUCK, WE GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE, OH MY GOD, PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE" vibe to it. Nonetheless, Jake heeded his friend's story and suggested they sleep on it. If the eight-foot bugs disturbed Finn's slumber again, they would act accordingly.

Finn was calm after about an hour but I knew that wouldn't last long. Nightmares involving xenomorphs don't just go away; most of the time, they gradually worsen. He spent the rest of the day playing video games on Beemo with Jake. Beemo had been napping in a crevice while Finn was recalling his dream, and didn't even inquire about the details after crawling out. It seemed like he didn't care. This was unusual behavior for Beemo, because he was designed to be a helpful, loyal, caring companion; qualities I've found especially intriguing about him. Most automatons I've met are a bit antisocial.

As you probably guessed, Finn had another dream later that night. I should digress, however. I said prophetic xenomorph dreams gradually worsen, but this night, the dream was less horrific. It seemed more like a cinematically cliché interpretation of a nightmare than an actual nightmare. Before I tell you about it, though, I should tell you a little about Princess Bubblegum. The Land of Ooo is broken up into several different kingdoms. Princess Bubblegum rules one in particular, the Candy Kingdom, which is made of candy and inhabited by creatures made of candy (shameless redundancy). Finn used to have quite a thing for Bubblegum, but she was 5 years his elder at the time, so the feelings were never reciprocated. It's usually the other way around, ain't it? The princess fancies herself quite the scientist, which I respect her for, but it also makes her less trustworthy in my eyes. Scientists from my Earth were far from trustworthy. I've been told there was a time when scientists actually cared about the general population, but I sure as hell wasn't around for it. After a while, all their research became dedicated to whichever cause was paying the best, no matter how harmful it might be. Biological weapons were especially in high demand before I left.

Now that you know who Princess Bubblegum is, I can tell you the short and sweet of Finn's second prophetic xenomorph dream. In this one, Finn was sitting by a very calm, shallow river, gazing at the moonlight with Bubblegum. Very romantic. Now, I understand I said he no longer had feelings for her – this is true. However, we're all susceptible to dreaming of old crushes and puppy loves, now and then. Happens to me all the time. Sigh… And besides, crushes never really go away, they just lower and rise in intensity, depending on the circumstances... Am I getting too personal?

Erm, anyhoo, Finn was about to lean in for that big kiss. Oh boy, those hormones must have been raging like an alcoholic, because Finn's dopamine levels were at an all time high during this segment. He inched closer and closer, ready to tongue battle with the girl. But, alas, all he received was a face full of the bubblegum-equivalent to blood and an ear-piercing screech, in a twisted—

—Oh sh*t, sorry everyone, I gotta go. They're coming down to check up on me for some reason. F*ck. I'll try to send another transmission soon. Peace.

End Transmission


End file.
